Yes, there's a baby in there--Jake

I find myself doing this more and more often, and I bet it's becoming annoying to my wife.  When I go to bed, usually around four in the morning, I find myself cuddling up to Melissa and placing my hand on her tummy.  She's told me that she's felt our baby move a couple of times , I keep telling her it's probably gas.  But still, I place my hand on her ever growing belly hoping to fell the slightest movement.  With my eyes closed, I strain to make my hand more sensitive to the faintest of wiggles, I feel  the slow, rhythmic breathing of my wife, but nothing else. I'm not sure what to expect, I want to think it's daddy bonding time, like the baby is on the inside holding it's newly formed hand to the inside of the womb touching mine through the belly, like Spock and Kirk in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, all without the dying part.  Alas, I haven't felt anything, but this will not deter me from trying every night.

Melissa, I feel, has been a little self-conscious about her baby bump. When I first started to notice, I wouldn't point and say "wow, you're gaining a few pounds" or "geez, are you supposed to be that big already?". I would just say "aww, my baby's got a baby bump", to which she would reply, "No I don't.", and I would respond, "Baby, it's ok, you're pregnant, enjoy it!". Occasionally, like a small child, I point to or touch Melissa's belly and question, "is there a baby in there?".  And she answers, "Yes, there is a baby in there.". 

The idea for this came to me while we were in Columbus over the past weekend, as guest of Ryan and Katherine and the soon to arrive Molly, I couldn't help but notice that a few people took it upon themselves to reach out and rub Katherine's tummy.  I have no idea how this affected Katherine or her demeanor.  If it bothered her, she didn't show it, she kept smiling and going about her business as though it were normal.  I've heard many different views on this subject and some I can't repeat on here, but I try to put myself in those shoes and wonder how I would handle these tummy rubbers.  This is what I came up with.

1.  I would charge a $.25 per hand fee with a penalty fee of a dollar if the rubber went over a predetermined time limit.  Said time limit will be set by me, the rubee, and can change at anytime, even during said rub.

2.  I would have t-shirts made up with ridiculous statements on them, such as Touch my belly and lose a finger. Yes you can rub my belly, if I can punch you in the face.  The next person who even looks like they're going to touch me is going to be in pain...a lot of pain.  Maybe not the best, but you get my drift.

3.  If I knew it wouldn't hurt the baby, I would set up a couple of those prank hand buzzers and watch the magic happen as someone would come in for the belly grab.

4.  Speaking of pranks, maybe a squirting flower or such like.

5.  With the slightest touch I would cringe in agony and scream "They're trying to take my baby!"

I realize these, of course, are all together crazy, but it's just an idea, and if any of you ladies would ever like to use any of them, feel free, just think of me when executing these devious plans.

My wife hasn't told me this has happened to her yet, and I haven't seen it happen, but I do know it's going to come around inevitably.  I know she, like every other woman that's ever carried a small person inside of them, will respond with smiles and nice words, and then later tell me how she wanted to just tell them off, I mean who are they to touch HER belly! Until then, I'm going to keep trying to feel some wiggling, and I'm going to keep asking "Is there a baby in there?"