Reality is beginning to set in, 2 & 1/2 months away and I am realizing I am not prepared at all. Mr. Anxiety is carving his name inside my chest cavity and has me wondering, how does this all work anyhow?
When is see her for the first time, will some magical change come about and transform me from stupid man who is full of bad jokes to super dad who knows the importance of responsibility at every turn? I read in a book once http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge/MAIN.html "The Brain That Changes Itself" that men become attached to their children as soon as they lay eyes on them. A chemical is released from the brain amplifying the nurturer in him and creates a life long bond. All in one look, it increases your brains plasticity allowing you to adapt to this child and even learn at a faster rate than normal... I'm so banking on this to happen to me. My insecurities do not lay on the fact I think I will be a bad father, just an irresponsible one. One that isn't prepared for things I know will happen. All of my faults that I know exist and haven't conquered, I am now at risk of passing that along to my baby girl. When I think of all the opportunities that may be closed to her, because I didn't study enough, or provide enough, it can really make myself sick.
I know I'm overacting and nobody is perfect. I am seeing some of the struggles my own Mom and others may have had raising me, yet at the same time they seemed like naturals. I try to tell myself that everything is going to be fine and I can't screw this up, besides I got a great partner that has sworn under oath to help me. We've got a nice home, and as of right now plenty of food on the table. Despite all of that, insecurities will still linger and I feel that I will just have to accept these inherent fears may just be one of the many stages that help in the transformation to fatherhood.
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