An Apology

There's something I need to get off of my chest: I'm not the greatest father.  There, I said it.  While I'm at it, I need to add this: I'm not the greatest husband either.  Whew, now that I've got that out of the way, let me blog a bit about fatherhood and being a not so great husband.

Let's dig in, shall we? I've discovered only recently that I'm not the best dad.  I didn't learn this from someone telling me.  I deduced it from personal insight.  I perused the welcome to fatherhood books and thought, blah, I'll wing it,  how hard can it be? I don't remember there being a chapter about how to do absolutely everything right and your kids will grow up to be great people.  Eh, I might've fallen asleep before I got to that part. 

I finally discovered what it is that seems to be my downfall: it's me.  I finally know what it is that I've done to make me be a not so great dad.  By no means am I self-bashing, but I need to let dads of all sorts(ones that have been dads for many years, a few years, or are just getting started) know what I've found out about myself and what could be a hang up for them as well.

I'm self absorbed.   I don't know if it's because I was the baby of the family for 16 years and I grew to realize most everyone in the family was willing to let me slide on things.  Also, being the youngest, you learn from your older siblings and I learned what to do and what not to do, or at least get caught doing it. 

For far too long have I thought about what others could do for me.  This didn't become apparent until after children.  I wish it could've been sooner, like when I met Melissa and fell in love and got married.  I think she would've been appreciative of the self enlightenment.  I hope that she is now.

I've always thought my time was exactly that, mine.  It wasn't until maybe a few months ago, I found that this isn't true.  I don't know what led me to this discovery, but I'm glad I've found it.

So here it is, my apology:  Dear Ethan, Hayden, and my dearest Melissa, I'm sorry for being selfish and using the time that I have to only do what I felt met the minimum of being a dad and husband.  Moving forward, and please know it's a work in progress, I give all my time to the pursuit of happiness, godliness, and helpfulness to give each of you what you deserve.  A dad who takes the time to teach and play, even after a long day.  A husband who does more than keep the kids until you get home from work and then turns them over. There is an abundance of others to list, but I find that list a bit tedious, please, just know that I am always striving to become a better father and husband.

 The three greatest people I could have love me deserve more than I am and the only person that can do anything about is me.